How I saved my Family from a Vampire Bat

Welcome to “Story Time” with Coach Belanger. We will flash back to almost five years ago on July 22nd, 2010. The event in question took place at 2:00 a.m. in the darkness of night when all creepy and terrible things occur.

Sleeping peacefully on a beautiful summer night with a nice cool breeze flowing through the windows I am stirred awake by a clicking noise and our cat “Shada Buffa” (Portuguese for one who smells farts) going absolutely crazy. I get up thinking maybe a cricket got in the house and Shada is just chasing it around, she does the same thing with moth’s. I notice though that the window that is open for some reason also has the screen in the open position. I suddenly realize “Oh Schnikes it’s a Bat”. This gets the full attention of my wife Chas, who jumps out of bed and sprints downstairs.

What the hell do you do to get a bat out of your house? My mind goes to the first place any one my age would think of…John Candy and Dan Aykroyd in the Great Outdoors. I have some time as it seems Shada Buffa has the Bat cornered underneath the couch. I run down stairs and get a tennis racket and a shovel out of the garage and get back upstairs as quickly as possible. I am in a tricky spot because I have nothing like a fishing net to bag this evil vampire that has entered my house. I go to the linen closet and grab the next best thing, a towel and close the bedroom door. The last thing I need is this beast flying into the kids rooms.

I now have all my bat capturing equipment and it’s time to start hunting.

Mighty Bat Hunter

I approach the couch to capture this invader and all of a sudden the cat gets up, walks to the bedroom door and starts scratching the door to leave. Great my side kick is backing out and my mind goes to the worst place, the bat is pissed and the cat is now scared. I do what any brave bat hunter would do, I yell at the cat “Get back here you bitch and help me.”

My wife is downstairs and thinks I am yelling at her. She shouts back “I’m sorry I have PTSD from the bat cave in Canada!”

I go over to the bedroom door and let the cat out.”Go ahead and go downstairs with the other traitor!” I return to the couch and place the tennis racket on the ground next to the couch with the shovel. I have my towel (damn I wish I had a net) in my right hand and I lift and flip the couch over completely with tremendous force. I must have summoned super strength that people get in pressure situations thanks to the ol’ adrenaline and like a big game hunter cast my net (throw the towel) on top of the monstorously huge bat. (Little bit of an exaggeration there it was about the size of a mouse but I am pretty sure it had red glowing eyes)

I quickly grab the tennis racket and press down firmly on the towel just in case that vampire bat has its own version of the adrenaline rush. I then pick up the shovel and slide it under the towel. I now have a firmly made bat sandwich with a shovel, towel, tennis racket and of course the main ingredient, vampire bat.

I struggle to open the bedroom door with my hands occupied containing the evil critter but mange to open it and yell to my wife open the front door. Luckily for me it is almost a straight shot down the stairs and out the front door. I sprint like a bat out of hell (pun intended) down the stairs, out the front door, across the lawn, across the street and throw everything on the ground. I spin on a dime and just as fast run back to the house head down protecting my neck thinking the bat is going to be coming for me now. I narrowly make it back to the house and shut the door and breath a big sigh of relief.

The Belanger Boys only counted two at this time, Brody age five and Cameron age two both successfully slept through the Batcapade.

Let this be a warning to everyone. When you open your windows at night be sure the screens are shut!!!

 

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